Another Day In Albany

Meetings have been held all day between various factions involved in the Republican “takeover” of the New York State Senate. The GOP caucus claims it now has majority status after two of the least reputable democratic senators, Pedro Espada, Jr. and Hiram Monserrate, switched sides at the instigation of billionaire political fixer Tom Golisano. One of those meetings might have gone something like this...

DEAN SKELOS/(R) NEW SENATE LEADER: Let’s begin on a positive note. I’m happy to say the “three men in a room” system of governing New York is now a thing of the past. By my count, there are six of us in this room. That’s what I call reform. What do you say, Malcolm?

MALCOLM SMITH/(D) DEPOSED SENATE LEADER: How’d you get in here, Skelos? I had the doors locked.

SKELOS: Now, now, Malcolm. If we were able to buy off two of your “loyal” democrats, we damn sure didn’t have any trouble getting the custodian to open the door.

SMITH: He’s not the custodian, he’s the secretary of the Senate.

SKELOS: Whatever.

DAVID PATERSON/(D) GOVERNOR: This is an outrage!

TOM GOLISANO: Who’s that guy?

SKELOS: He’s the governor.

GOLISANO: Oh, right.

PATERSON: This is an outrage! But I’m staying out of it.

SKELOS: Good call, Gov. Let’s hear from the new members of our caucus. Hiram?

SEN. MONSERRATE: It was an accident!

SKELOS: Hiram, put down the broken glass. We’re on the same side now.

GOLISANO: I’ll contribute $10,000 to your reelection if you put down the broken glass.

SEN. ESPADA: Do I get a piece of that action? I didn’t go all Republican for my health, you know.

GOLISANO: Alright, $10,000 for you, too.

SEN. ESPADA: Make it $20,000, and we can start changing the way Albany does business.

SKELOS: Hey, Espada, we don’t need you. Senator Duane will come over to our side if we promise to pass the gay marriage bill. We Republicans are morally opposed to same-sex marriage, but we all know you have to make little compromises for the good of the people.

GOV. PATERSON: This is an outrage!

MALCOLM SMITH: Espada, you only switched because we democrats wouldn’t give you a couple million dollars in earmarks for non-profit organizations you control.

ESPADA: What’s your point?

GOLISANO: Hey, where did Monserrate go?

MALCOLM SMITH: He decided to come back to the democratic caucus, meaning both sides have 31 senators. Now we’ll never get anything done.

(silence for a moment, followed by huge outburst of laughter)

SKELOS: Nice one, Malc. Whew, what a day.

GOLISANO: Let’s knock off. I’ll meet you guys at Salsa Latina. I’ve got the first round!

PATERSON: This is an outrage!