Lingerie Football: Not The Next Big Thing

I’m a guy. I like football pretty much. I like the idea of pretty girls running around in lingerie. Having said all that, I’m not really sure I understand the notion of a Lingerie Football League. There is such a thing, you know. And today, as you might have seen on our newscast, the local “franchise,” known as the New York Majesty, held tryouts. You can see a lot more of the local talent at our website. Here’s a link.

I have many questions about this, but first, some facts and…ahem…figures. The LFL begins its season in September. There are somewhere between ten and twelve teams, with names like the Dallas Desire, Los Angeles Temptation, Philadelphia Passion. You get the idea. Each team will play four games. The rules are pretty much like arena football: seven players on each side, full contact. Uniforms consist of helmets and shoulder pads, bikini tops and what they are generously describing as shorts. But don’t take my word for it. Here’s a link to a website where you can see most of the league’s players in what I guess you would call full uniform. Check it out, guys. I’ll wait.

May we continue? Good. The idea for the LFL comes from the success of the lingerie football games played on a cable network during halftime of the Super Bowl the last few years. Lots of guys apparently choose this for their halftime entertainment rather than whatever geriatric rock act is performing at the Super Bowl itself. Ratings were robust, and now we have a lingerie football league. This is the first flaw in the concept.

Just because a few million guys will switch away from Tom Petty to watch 15-minutes of ridiculous T & A on television one day a year, doesn’t mean very many of them will want to drive to whatever venues are hosting the games (for all you Majesty fans, that would be the Nassau Coliseum) and watch two hours of it from a distance. There are plenty of other places men can go to watch scantily clad women parading about, from much closer vantage points. Or so I’ve heard. Unless they have the players coming into the stands for lap dances, a certain boredom factor could easily set in. It would be like reading a Victoria’s Secret catalog during an entire cross country flight, except that the girls would have helmets on. (It might just be me, but a woman in a football helmet is not on my list of turn ons. Not like, you know, long walks on the beach, or people who make me laugh).

What it comes down to is whether guys can watch the lingerie (and the girls wearing it), and forget about the football, which I’m predicting will not be played at a high competitive level. I think at some point, the need for real football is going to overwhelm the voyeurism, and I don’t think the LFL is ready to deliver on that count. Take another look at the lingerie players on the web site; not an offensive tackle in the bunch. How can you play serious football without any huge offensive linemen, er, linegirls? This might be a one-season league, guys.