Marital Bliss Redux: Bring the Kids!
I don’t necessarily agree with new research getting lots of media attention today showing that marital bliss is significantly diminished when a couple has children.
I don’t necessarily disagree, either. I would take a different approach to the argument overall, namely this: It depends what you mean by “bliss.”
First, my qualifications for engaging in this discussion: I’ve been married for…. well, I’m not supposed to say exactly how long. My wife is not averse to fibbing about her age, and she believes we should therefore fib in equal proportions when talking about how many anniversaries we’ve celebrated. Let’s just say we got hitched a few months before George Bush became president, and leave it at that. We have three little boys, the youngest being seven-year-old twins. So, yeah, I have some thoughts about this.
“Marital bliss,” as defined in this study, seems to mean freedom… freedom to travel, spend time as a couple (that’s a euphemism, by the way), have more disposable income, etc. My wife and I had a few years of that life before our first son was born. Do I miss it? I guess. Who wouldn’t miss having more freedom to travel, more time spent as a couple, more disposable income, etc? Defined this way, I’m surprised ONLY 90-percent of the couples studied said their bliss had been compromised by having children.
But “bliss” as defined a certain way, I believe, is applicable only in particular stages of one’s life. When I was 34, newly-married and childless, yeah, that was marital bliss. But now that I’m a bit older than that, that same scenario—freedom to travel, to be utterly spontaneous—doesn’t seem as blissful to me. Or, I should say, not as relevantly blissful. Life moves on, years go by, new chapters and challenges come along. To me, “bliss” is a moving target. I can’t just lock into one freeze frame of what ultimate marital happiness should be, and expect that to last for the duration. As a meditation teacher I once knew would say, it’s not in the nature.
One of my favorite movies is “My Dinner with Andre,” basically a filmed conversation between two old friends. At one point, the character of Andre is talking about being in a committed marriage. I’m paraphrasing, but he says something along the lines that people who switch partners, date around, and stay uncommitted, THINK they’re taking one new journey and new experience after another. But really, Andre says, they’re just having the SAME experience over and over again. But promise your heart and soul to one individual—knowing all the changes and challenges and joys and heartbreaks that will entail---that, he says, is when you truly head out into uncharted waters.
I think the same can be made about the decision to bring children into a marriage. It’s heading off into still more uncharted waters, and they ain’t necessarily blissful waters. But when I’m feeling sorry for myself about being a family guy, or miss the freedom of the easier, more mapped-out nature of childless life, I just remember that there’s no continuity on matters like this, no one straight line to happiness. Life is uncharted, whether you want to acknowledge that or not. When you pass out of one definition of marital bliss, I think it’s nice having kids along for the next one.
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Comments: 22
I certainly can understand how findings like this could exist. I'm in my forties, divorced, and my kids are just about grown. When at 39 I finally met the true love of my life, we made the decision not to have children. We both are single (divorced) custodial parents, forced to raise each set of kids on our own for years. To merge households would be disastrous for our relationship, and to try to get a new baby to feel loved by all would not be easy. 4 teens under one roof? So in order to preserve our non-marital bliss, having kids is indeed out of the picture. For now we put the kids first. But soon we will be able to focus on each other, and enjoy what a real relationship can be like.
I AM INSULTED THAT YOU WORLD EVEN SAY THAT, IF THE MARRIAGE IS DOOMED TO FAIL, KIDS WILL JUST MAKE IT WORSE BUT YOU RELIZE IT LATER ON IN LIFE... To all kids they should feel like there parents want them not that they wished they werent born!!!!!! I am not happy about this story!! Also why do you always say my blog, or look at my blog!!! WE GET IT JIM!!!!!!11
I AM INSULTED THAT YOU WORLD EVEN SAY THAT, IF THE MARRIAGE IS DOOMED TO FAIL, KIDS WILL JUST MAKE IT WORSE BUT YOU RELIZE IT LATER ON IN LIFE... To all kids they should feel like there parents want them not that they wished they werent born!!!!!! I am not happy about this story!! Also why do you always say my blog, or look at my blog!!! WE GET IT JIM!!!!!!11
I AM INSULTED THAT YOU WORLD EVEN SAY THAT, IF THE MARRIAGE IS DOOMED TO FAIL, KIDS WILL JUST MAKE IT WORSE BUT YOU RELIZE IT LATER ON IN LIFE... To all kids they should feel like there parents want them not that they wished they werent born!!!!!! I am not happy about this story!! Also why do you always say my blog, or look at my blog!!! WE GET IT JIM!!!!!!11
heyyy!!!
we saw your friend/ co worker. arthur chi'en something but we think hes asain . hehe lmao
but yaaa we met!!
were mad he didnt interview uss but we got a pic!
and we can not belive that camera guy gets paid 200 dollars an hourr!!
but yaa can you tell arthur if he can give us a shout out to darian, kimberly alex moreira!. thankssssssssss =))) iif you dont we'll be very diapointed =/ but yaa can you interview on park slope someday! email me !! lmaooooo P.S lmao means laughing my ass off . jus in case u didnt no!!. PP.S heheh pp lmao. but yaa make a new blog about thiss!. " is throwing water ballooons at people illegal" dont forget to email us lol bye
I strongly disagree with this research. I have been with my High School sweetheart for 17yrs and three children later we still feel those odd butterfly feelings in our stomach when we kiss. Children bring a happiness that is unexplainable. The real secret to keeping marital bliss and a happy strong marriage is the three C's,COMPROMISE,CARING AND MOST IMPORTANT COMUNICATION!!
I've never seen a more unprofessional news station. What is with the cross eyed guy dressed in a star trek uniform tonight talking about obesity? What happened to the Asian lady she's been replaced by a lady who looks Ricki Martin in drag I think this is a help me Howard moment. Glen's sports is also interesting he has the shoulder width of a football player and the head of a jockey.Well to keep to the topic at hand what takes a bite out of my marriage is watching this news station and wondering who funds this program.
I've never seen a more unprofessional news station. What is with the cross eyed guy dressed in a star trek uniform tonight talking about obesity? What happened to the Asian lady she's been replaced by a lady who looks Ricki Martin in drag I think this is a help me Howard moment. Glen's sports is also interesting he has the shoulder width of a football player and the head of a jockey.Well to keep to the topic at hand what takes a bite out of my marriage is watching this news station and wondering who funds this program.
WOW... Bliss (anything like Blis-ter)? No matter what, it's just a word. What is complete happiness to one is certainly different to another regarding marriage and kids. I have been married for 36 years and have 2 grown sons almost 8 years apart. It was hard with the first child, neither of us were use to each other yet and bringing in a new person was a frightening thing. But my husband and I share something that a lot of others don't. We are best friends - have been since we met in high school and have continued through all the trials, tribulations and years.
Did I miss out on anything while being a Mom? Of course I did. And also of course I didn't. Remember, the grass is always greener and if you enjoy the side you're on and get as much out of that as possible you will never notice the other side.
Make a memory from what you have... it belongs to only you.
MARITAL BLISS, IT SHOULDN'T MATTER IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN DURING YOUR MARRIAGE THAT SHOULD NOT CHANGE HOW TWO PEOPLE WHO SUPPOSIVELY LOVE EACH OTHER FEELINGS TOWARDS EACH OTHER, HAVING CHILDREN SHOULD BRING MORE JOY TO A RELATIONSHIP, NOT HELP DESTROY IT, UNLESS THIS MARRIAGE WAS ALREADY DOOMED FROM THE GET, AND PEOPLE ARE USING HAVING CHILDREN AS AN EXCUSE. TO HAVE A CHILD SHOULD INCREASE THE LOVE BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE WHO CLAIM THEY LOVE EACH OTHER, BECAUSE NOW YOU BOTH HAVE SOMETHING YOU TWO CAN SHARE AND LOVE TOGETHER, THAAT IS JUST AN EXCUSE FOR THOSE WHO CAN'T TAKE THE HEAT OF AN EXTENDING FAMILY, AND USE THE CHILDREN AS AND EXCUSE TO GET OUT OF IT. OBVIOUSLY THERE ARE UNDERLY ISSUE'S IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP THAT NEED TO BE ADDRESS DON'T BLAME YOUR FUTURE HARDSHIPS ON HAVING CHILDREN, ITS SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT DOING RIGHT, I HAVE 5 AND STILL AM IN BLISS, NO KNIFE IN MY BACK.. DJ 20/20 LOVES THE KIDS..
Recent research has demonstrated that there is a "U" curve for marital satisfaction. The left hand upper part of the "U" represents marital satisfaction before children and the right hand upper part of the "U" represents high marital satisfaction after kids leave home. The low trough between the high points to low levels of marital satisfaction during the part of the marriage in which the couple is raising children. As a parent, step=parent, grandparent and psychologist who specializes in treating romantic relationships let me say that these results mean to me that couples must make special efforts (remember the cliche "working on the relationship?)to maintain the romantic and intimate dimensions of their relationship. Family and children are a rewarding and delicious experience but should not mean the demise of marital satisfaction for the couple. Each dynamic should be enjoyed for what it is and what it has to offer.
Well lets start by saying kids bring joy into a husband and wife's life assuming that they are both the biological parents. The only time I see a real problem is when a parent doesn't know how to let go of a child who has grown up and is old enough to be out on their own or let them move out on their own!
You only hurt a child when you don't allow that adult child to learn on their own even if it means watching them try and fail but yet still be there for them. Marital bliss gets better after you have grown together for a number of years. Trust me on this I presently have a 25 year old stepson whose mother, my wife, can't let go. She refuses to push him into getting a job fearing that he might have some money to help pay the bills he runs up! Imagine that a 25 year old man still asking "mommy" for a dollar.
When I was married to the ex, he was more interested in the kids and the car and himself. When I remarried, my new husband had no kids and mine were grown up. This time all his energy was on ME. It certainly made for a happier marriage. I do believe that children are a stressor, and of course, more energy has to be expended on them and their needs. But what about the needs of the wife or husband? You cannot keep a marriage together because of children.
Children do not bring love into a marriage. Love has to be there already.
My husband and I are married 60 years and our love just expanded each time one of our three sons were born. Once they left the empty nest we travelled everywhere and now, in the sunset of our lives, we rejoice in the happenings of our children and their children. Life doesn't get any better than that. We have not regrets.
I am not the Cindy that posted first.
Rhoda, you are one of the lucky ones. My ex never put my needs first. He was very self-absorbed and really only wanted one child (although we had more). After the kids grew up, we had nothing in common, so the marriage fell apart. Our children were HIS and I was always in the background. Then I found someone, who was never married and had no children. The focas was on ME. I never had so much attention. This was great and much less tense than the other marriage. I guess everyone has to find their own way. What works for one, doesn't always work for the other. I never had any say with the ex. I really didn't love him anymore in the later years. I was tired of battling and never winning. I am happy for you. I always wanted the perfect marriage. I think I finally found it. I always thought I would be married forever to the ex, but it worked out better this way. I have no regrets. Good luck to you Rhoda and God Speed.
I just wanted to add that my blood pressure is normal now.
i agree with not staying in the marriage just for the kids. Sometimes people just grow apart and its natural to go and find someone else who can give you what you're looking for. That doesnt mean you love your kids any less. Why stay unhappily married to someone for the rest of your life?
I love my kids, but my marriage isn't the happiest. I don't think I would stay in the marriage, if it were not for the children.
Sadly, I found you because of the April Fools post you made. What a mess, no? But at least it got me to this blog. I have to say that I absolutely agree with you that 'It depends what you mean by “bliss.”'
And I don't think the majority of the people who commented here actually understood what you were saying - at all! Hopefully I am not the one who didn't understand!
Also, I think that most people today in this self absorbed world have completely forgotten what on earth marriage is all about in the first place.
My husband and I are now 30 and 29 (I'm still in my twenties, hurrah for me), we have three kids - the eldest 8 and the youngest is about to have her first birthday, and though we may not be "free" and rolling in those "freedoms" you stated most people describe marital bliss with, we are certainly quite blissful, as it seems you and your wife probably are.
What I'd like to say/ask those who don't still travel, spend time as a couple, and have any disposable income is this:
Is travel only great if you are alone with your spouse and can go to a completely exotic or fancy place? What's wrong with a good old fashioned road trip or a trip to a National Park to explore as a family? And spending time as a couple??? (I loved your euphemism remark, by the way) How is it not spending time as a couple when you're with your kids, but spending time as a couple when you're with another couple or at a party with many couples? And if we're only talking about sex time here, well, I'd argue that if it's still the goal of both parties to have "it", it's definitely going to happen. I think one of the biggest problems in that area for some couples is that one or the other isn't really game anymore. SAD. And as for disposable income? I disagree with "disposing of income" altogether, so I'm not quite sure how to comment on that - ha ha. But using it to purchase something together that you need or want can certainly be satisfying - even with kids (and I'd even argue that purchasing something for your kids, like piano lessons or a spy kit, even, can also be extremely satisfying)!
I would like to say in closing (and this comment certainly got a whole lot longer than I'd expected) that my husband and I (who were married pretty early on), even in our years of dating and first year of marriage have NEVER had much freedom to travel (at least not internationally, or to anywhere we would have to fly!), nor have we ever had much money to spend at all (grad school is pretty tough on the pocket book!). But we've had a wonderful marriage full of bliss, and some tough times, too, which have only made us stronger and more grateful and more blissful in the end.
Again, I absolutely agree with you that 'It depends what you mean by “bliss.”'
Have a great day!
Oh yeah. And I second the "bring the kids!" part, too!