It's Never Too Late to Have Children! (Or Is It?)
Today’s news about former Senator Alfonse D’Amato and his wife expecting a baby reopens yet again the discussion about older dads. I refer specifically to MUCH older dads; D’Amato is 71, and not new to this. He and his wife had a son 14-months ago. D’amato certainly sounds confident that his age won’t be a problem, since he plans on being around for a while.
“’I’ve got good genes. Papa will be 96 in May and Mama is 94. Age today is nothing. I still don’t have an AARP card.’ This pregnancy was planned for the couple. When this baby graduates from school, Alfonse will be 89 years old.”
And that’s really the big issue: is it “fair,” for lack of a better word, for senior citizen men to have babies with their younger wives, when it’s very likely they might not be around for a big portion of their child’s life, or even their child’s childhood? One classic New York example is the actor Tony Randall. He had his first child with his 26-year-old wife when he was 77. They later had a son. Randall died in 2004, with his children 6 and 7-years-old.
Beyond a link to this article, we won’t take up here the matter of a man’s advancing age affecting the quality of his sperm, and the increased likelihood of genetic problems with their children:
While much ado is made about women's fertility declining with advancing age, what about men?Many men will have no problems conceiving a healthy child, but "there is quite a bit of evidence that advancing age can affect the DNA or genetic material in sperm," Goldstein says. This damage may start as early as age 35 and worsens with age. As a result, older men may father children who have higher rates of schizophrenia and/or Down syndrome, he says.Additionally, older men may have lower sperm counts. "There is a gradual decrease in sperm, the quality is poorer, and sperm swim less vigorously, so the pregnancy takes longer to achieve," he says.
Still, "the majority of older men with healthy younger wives are able to get pregnant, and most of the time, the babies are normal," he says.
But what I’d like tonight are your thoughts about the purely chronological limitations a much older father—and their young children—naturally face. Here’s my opinion, answered from the perspective of “if it were me”: If I was 70, I would NOT father any more children. I have three little boys now, and I see how much they need me. If I were to go through a period of illness, and then death (pretty much the way things go for most people when they get into your 70’s and 80’s) I think they would just be shattered—their little psyches are not developed enough to process such a loss, even if it stems from natural causes. And it’s not just how long “old dad” can manage to be around; it’s also what kind of energy he’ll be able to bring to his parenting while he IS alive . Folks, I’m still a long way from 70, but I am already a slightly older dad, to have three kids less than 12-years-old. I make an effort to keep in good shape, and I STILL have to really work at being able to keep up with them. Kids deserve an active, engaged dad, a tough requirement for guys on the north side of 75.
But… there’s always a but.. despite my opinion on the matter, I would never morally judge people who choose to start families with a senior dad. Having children is an intensely personal decision with so many variables. (My wife and I had twins well after our first son was diagnosed with autism. There are probably people who wouldn’t have thought that was a good idea, since there is statistical evidence that parents of a child with autism are more likely to give birth to additional autistic children.)
So to Mr. D’Amato and all older daddies and daddies-to-be, I send out hearty congratulations, but also wishes for a long, long life—for the child’s sake.
Tell me in comments where you stand on this. I leave you with an excellent New York Times article from 2007, which looks at the issue from every angle.
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Comments: 18
Well Jim let me share with you. When I was born my father was 59. My mother his wife was 21 years his junior. He out lived my mother who died when I was 14 and he raised me by himself. He died when I was 24 at the age of 83. All I can say he taught me a lot and have become a better man for he was my Dad.
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At his age he should be grandad not dad !!! Please tell me whom will be pushing whom??? Stroller or Wheelchair? They can also share dinner stained peas anyone ?
I think it is a disservice to the wife and the children to have children in their twilight years. It is possible that the father may not even see the children graduate from High School. Secondly, with the cost of raising a child increasing it may be difficult for a retired father to provide for his children. However this is a choice the couple makes in family planning. Parents need to weight all things in the balance in order to determine if they should have children and or consider if it is the right timing.
Finally two words: Viva Viagra
I think it is a disservice to the wife and the children to have children in their twilight years. It is possible that the father may not even see the children graduate from High School. Secondly, with the cost of raising a child increasing it may be difficult for a retired father to provide for his children. However this is a choice the couple makes in family planning. Parents need to weight all things in the balance in order to determine if they should have children and or consider if it is the right timing.
Finally two words: Viva Viagra
I agree with you 100percent Jim, its unfair to the child for some one of D'amato age to be having kids , the father wont be around to see his kid get grown and thats not right at all, D'amato dont have any Morals at all he thinks what he is doing is cute but its not, his wife dont have any Morals either, my heart goes out for those kids.
This troubles me more than it used to, now that I have kids of my own. I'm an older mom -- my first child was born when I was 43, and my second child (unplanned and a happy surprise) came along when I was 47). Although I am in good health, and make a big effort to live a healthy lifestyle, still I worry that something will happen to me (or my husband, who is 5 years younger than I am) while my children are still, well, children. My father died when I was 45 and I was devastated -- I can't imagine how hard it would be to process something like that if I were a child. And -- of course -- even young parents can die, leaving children behind. Still, I don't judge people who decide to become a parent at an older age; it's a personal decision.
Hey Jim,
Thank you for stating your point- of- view in a very straight-forward and sensitive manner. I,too, know several people who have autistic children late in life and not because of their fault...just happens that way because of the aging effect, i guess. The science is there, and no matter how good we can make ourselves feel and look into our mature years, you can't fool the DNA. BTW, Jim, lookin' good
Hey Jim,
Thank you for stating your point- of- view in a very straight-forward and sensitive manner. I,too, know several people who have autistic children late in life and not because of their fault...just happens that way because of the aging effect, i guess. The science is there, and no matter how good we can make ourselves feel and look into our mature years, you can't fool the DNA. BTW, Jim, lookin' good
i am a father of a nine year old son,he is the love of my life and i almost lost him because i needed a lung transplant in february of 2008. i had approximatly six months to live and was on oxygen 24/7 and could not do anything with him.regardless to say,i thought my son was going to grow up without a father like i did,but i got lucky, i got my much needed transplant and i can now play with him again.when i was bed-ridden my son would wonder if i would live or die, he was scared. i was 33 at the time and now i am 42 and enjoying every moment i have with him because i know i am now on borrowed time. my point to you older mothers and fathers is, please do not put your kids in the same situation, even if you think you are going to live forever, because ,suprise, your not going to!!
My 61 yr. old father just got pregnant with his 25 yr. old girlfriend. Before I get into the absurdness of this-Why would anyone at 25 yrs. old want to sleep with a 61 yr. old, who has no money and lives in his mother's basement? He has 5 children ranging from 38 all the way down to 17 and she already has a 3 yr. old. He's been through 2 marriages and has showed that he is a man that has no regard for his offspring as he's hurt all 5 of us children.
Basically, I think this is extremely selfish! This man is lucky if he makes it to see his child's Highschool graduation. I forgot to mention that almost all of his kids have children themselves who will all be older than their new aunt or uncle. Maybe we should stop focusing so much on teaching teenagers about protection and make sure the old people know about it! Guess he won't be retiring anytime soon!!!!
My 61 yr. old father just got pregnant with his 25 yr. old girlfriend. Before I get into the absurdness of this-Why would anyone at 25 yrs. old want to sleep with a 61 yr. old, who has no money and lives in his mother's basement? He has 5 children ranging from 38 all the way down to 17 and she already has a 3 yr. old. He's been through 2 marriages and has showed that he is a man that has no regard for his offspring as he's hurt all 5 of us children.
Basically, I think this is extremely selfish! This man is lucky if he makes it to see his child's Highschool graduation. I forgot to mention that almost all of his kids have children themselves who will all be older than their new aunt or uncle. Maybe we should stop focusing so much on teaching teenagers about protection and make sure the old people know about it! Guess he won't be retiring anytime soon!!!!
Hey Jim,
You make some excellent points. I'm at the older end of the spectrum for a mother - had my only child at 35. And I sincerely hope to be around long enough for a grandchild if my child waits likewise.
If these guys bent on fathering more children (when they're beyond their prime) want to be heroes, they should consider adopting older children who've been kicked around in foster care. They could do society a favor and share their largesse, not their DNA.
Who cares if he's "still got it in him" (or "in her," as the case may be ;-) ) This trend totally smacks of vanity, like needing to prove their machismo or genetic superiority. Older celebrities having children is disturbing when you consider how many kids await adoption ... and how overpopulated our world has become.
Thanks for being a voice of reason.
I strongly agree that the decision to father a child should include consideration of the father's age. For most of us, it has to do not only with "being around" to share all the growing up experiences, but also with being able to provide for the child(ren). I had my two wonderful kids at age 34 and age 38. People like Tony Randall (boy, did I ever think he was gay all those years!) and Al D'Amato have (had) no financial worries. I didn't think I did either until my career collapsed and then my non-working wife left me. Thank God the kids stayed with me, so I could finish the job, pay for college, pay the money I had to pay the "ex" and just survive. If I had been just 5 or 10 yesrs older, the situation would have been disastrous. I was certainly not a really old parent, and my children are far and away the greatest blessing of my life. At age 71, I think you father a child for the same reason you drive an oversized SUV. It's a statement about the size of something else.
See, there's no way I'm even going to take an old man(anything 55 and over to me is OLD) into my bed, much less have kids with him, and I'm 30. Enough said.
See, there's no way I'm even going to take an old man(anything 55 and over to me is OLD) into my bed, much less have kids with him, and I'm 30. Enough said.