Is Your Ex Trying To Ruin Your Relationship With Your Child?
How would you know if your ex-spouse is trying to ruin your relationship with your child.
"It's called 'parental alienation'," according to Dr. Amy Baker, an expert in Developmental Psychology from Columbia University. "It's when a parent manipulates the child to reject the other parent.
According to Dr. Baker, "There's a lot of different ways to do it. Unfortunately the other parent doesn't always know. They might say, "Oh my ex doesn't have a picture of me in that house", and "Oh my ex is using a different last name from my kid." But they don't see the pattern. They don't see that the other parent has an agenda to turn your child against you."
What are the reasons this happens?
Dr. Baker names some possible causes of this kind of behavior.
"Revenge, spite, jealousy, an inability to understand the child has a separate need."
Parents should tell themselves, they may be thinking they hate that person but their kid still needs that person as a parent.
"Crummy spouses," she added, "can make pretty good parents."
Parents need to learn about parental alienation before it's too late.
"I can't tell you how many parents have said, "Oh my god, now I see what's happened but I've lost my kid,"" said Dr. Baker.
She urges parents to document every known parental alienation strategy their ex is using.
Parents can go to court if they see a pattern; a pervasive pattern of the use of these strategies.
Dr. Baker also cautions parents to use recommended responses.
"It's not always obvious what the right thing to do is," said Dr. Baker, "if your ex is bad mouthing you, or if your ex doesn't have a picture of you in the house; if they start using a different last name, it's hard to know what to do.
"Your kid could be living right next door to you, right across the street, in the same town as you, and if that child's been alienated, you're not going to have a relationship, that kid might as well be in Japan."
Be aware, document. Stay calm with your child.
It's important for the child that you be a reassuring, calm presence while this is going on.
" It's easy to lose your cool," said Dr. Baker. "What happens is your child visits the other parent then comes back to you with all kinds of accusations, lies, "why did you steal my college money, why did you break up the marriage."
"What happens is the parent that's being attacked starts getting very defensive, very angry, starts fighting with the child. You have to figure out how to get the truth out without bad-mouthing the other parent and without fighting with the child.
"What children remember is not the words, they remember the feeling of the relationship so if your ex is telling the kids that you're crazy you're unsafe, you're violent and you start screaming at your kid, saying, " I am not crazy. I am not violent", you've undone what you're trying to accomplish.
Your child is now feeling, this parent is making me feel bad, attacking me.
"Show that you are safe, show that you are loving in your actions.
"You also need," she continued, "to help your child develop critical thinking skills, so you can prevent your child from becoming manipulated. That's what parental alienation is, emotional manipulation, changing your children's thoughts.
Dr. Amy Baker is the author of Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome.
She is nationally recognized as an expert in parent child relationships.
Story Links:
FBI International Kidnapping Posting: http://www.fbi.gov/wanted/parent/antonelli m.htm
http://news.aol.com/article/us-father-michael-mccarty-fights-to/668836?
Comments: 60
Amy is so on the button with all of this and the key is showing a pattern of what we call Red Flag Behavior that indicates a parent is trying to impede on the children's relationship with the other parent. I have created an excel sheet of 167 Red Flag Behaviors. In the middle of this sheet is a list of 167 Red Flag Behaviors. To the left is a column that allows that parents to put a number in the box for how many times they have witnessed this behavior happening. This column automatically tallies up the total on the bottom of the last page. Anything over 10 is an pattern of disturbing behavior. On the right side of the sheet is a column for the parents to put notes about the various behaviors, such as dates, times and event. This sheet not only helps establish a pattern of behavior but it helps to create a record of events that have occurred with dates and times. This sheet can be found at the following address:
http://web.me.com/putzangel/Kloth_Consulting_Corporate_and_Family/167_Red_Flag_Behaviors.html
There will be a link in the middle of the page for the excel sheet.
Best regards,
Joani T. Kloth-Zanard
Right now, more than 100,000 children are affected by this in the United States. When I asked 3 different classes of college students whether they had a friend who'd been through extreme divorce trauma, almost every student raised their hand. About a third of the students said they had been through it themselves. Several told stories about being "hidden," moved frequently from place to place and school to school, and told to tell lies about their other parent. There was one or more such story in every class. We need a game-changer in this situation. Dr. Baker is setting the path for putting children first.
Our country has educated about, increased awareness of, and reduced child abuse for many years. We have successfully reduced drunk driving through education and enforcement. We are improving the environment through education in sustainability and responsible practices.
For at least three years, college students on their own have recommended that people have a "license to parent." No matter who "wins" a custody battle, the child always loses. The only way to win is to not start in the first place. Settle adult differences quickly, keep the children out of it, and move on - for the sake of the children.
It has been 10 years of nonstop heartache. It is the mourning that never ends.....
Please read here:
http://untilyousayuncle.blogspot.com/
The research done by Dr. Amy Baker is of great importance for protection of our children in case of divorce. Parental alienation can appear anytime when a couple is separating. It can be very insidious and it can happen even when both parents live in the same house with the children, prior to divorce. The alienating parent may combine different tactics like giving gifts to the children saying that the targeted parent doesn't want them to have, badmouthing the other parent behind his/her back, posing as a victim of the other parent, telling the children that he/she needs their protection against the targeted parent, or simply holding the children from spending time with the other parent by using different pretexts, or slowly and progressively eliminating the other parent from children's activities, even the most basic routines. There are many other tactics but these can happen while the family is still together and this is then easier to observe and recognize the pattern. Parents finding themselves as being alienated should ask friends for help to witness and document this behavior.
Increasing awareness about this issue is very important as the children caught in this kind of conflict end up very traumatized psychologically which will mark them for the rest of their lives. This is important, since I find it a form of child abuse (at the psychological level) and there are no laws to correct this and prevent it from harming the children.
THANK YOU, Amy for bringing this ever-growing problem to the media!
With the divorce rate in this country being what it is, the number of innocent children being stuck in the middle of the divorce "war", being forced (by the Alienating Parent) to choose a side is growing every day. These poor children are literally being brainwashed to learn how to hate a once-loved parent. The number of people I know personally who are experiencing this is unbelievable, in just my state of NJ.
We all hope that someday the Alienating Parents out there will stop to think about the emotional and psychological damage they are doing to their children by their actions. These poor kids will likely never be able to form normal, healthy, loving relationships with a partner.
Yet, Court Officials in Family Court continue to IGNORE this problem, telling both parents to just "work it out" which we all know is impossible when one parent is uncooperative, selfish, and unbalanced.
Parents like this continue to have physical custody of the children, giving them more time to involve the children in the campaign of denigration against the other parent. The children become brainwashed to hate the other parent, and that parent's family.
When will the day come when Family Courts become aware of this problem and impose punishments / sanctions?
--Carrie
- New Jersey Parental Alienation Support Group
- Staff Member,Research - the Lee P.A.S. Foundation
This is true, accurate and serious. i have lived it for 9 yrs. my first response was that this couldnt possibly happen, as i was the unassailable mother. but the deeply embedded hatred prevailed across the board, creating what i know must be emotional handicap and turmoil in the lives of the children we both should be able to love equally and functionally. my only concern is their future emotional well being. i have survived.
This is true, accurate and serious. i have lived it for 9 yrs. my first response was that this couldnt possibly happen, as i was the unassailable mother. but the deeply embedded hatred prevailed across the board, creating what i know must be emotional handicap and turmoil in the lives of the children we both should be able to love equally and functionally. my only concern is their future emotional well being. i have survived.
This is true, accurate and serious. i have lived it for 9 yrs. my first response was that this couldnt possibly happen, as i was the unassailable mother. but the deeply embedded hatred prevailed across the board, creating what i know must be emotional handicap and turmoil in the lives of the children we both should be able to love equally and functionally. my only concern is their future emotional well being. i have survived.
This is true, accurate and serious. i have lived it for 9 yrs. my first response was that this couldnt possibly happen, as i was the unassailable mother. but the deeply embedded hatred prevailed across the board, creating what i know must be emotional handicap and turmoil in the lives of the children we both should be able to love equally and functionally. my only concern is their future emotional well being. i have survived.
As an alienated parent, I know first hand the damage that this does. Prior to it happening to me I knew people that it happened to but I never made any connection or knew that it was a real issue that actually did exist and that it existed in such large numbers. When I was first alienated from my kids, I felt as if I was all alone. It was not untill after reading Amy's book and joining a support group that I actually learned how common it actually is in society today which I actually find very sad and extremely scary.
Something needs to be done. The parents that are doing this to their kids irregardless of their gender and no matter how old the kids are need to be stopped. Granted, some of them do not realize what it is they are in fact doing, but they have to be stopped as well. Amy's research proves that this is a disease that harms all that are involved for generations to come.
My kids are affected by parental alienation. I've been divorced for 4 1/2 years and since the day of separation my ex husband brainwashed my 2 daughters so that they do not want to have any contact with me nor my side of the family. They are both young adults now, however, they are so very much influenced by their father. I tried to get the court involved in helping me to reunify with my younger daughter - who was still a minor and 16 years old at the time, however, they do not care if the child says that they don't want contact-and for no reason. The court will not enforce it and they empower kids, especially teenagers, too much. My ex husband has badmouthed me and everyone else from my side of the family from Day 1. Dr. Baker equates the alienating parent's tactics to cult leader's tactics and I totally understand now how the alienating parent has the kids under their thumb. Fathers are just as likely to do this as mothers, as in my case. My ex husband has done everything in his power to put obstacles in the path of having a relationship with my girls. This is sick behavior. My girls and I have been mistreated not only their father but by the courts system as well. I only hope one day that they will see things in a different light and want to have contact and a relationship with me. I love them and miss them very much and it can not be good for their mental wellbeing for them to have had a parent cut out of their lives.
Parent Alienation is very real. I am an alienated mother who had custody via an order of protection after I was put backwards through a glass dining room table causing numerous stiches on my shoulder. I obtained ths order of protection in N.J. with child custody and child support.
However, my ex refused to pay child support, which forced me back into N.Y. Little did I know he had political connections here in N.Y. That apparently have put a brick wall 25 feet high to keep me and my children apart. Ignorng the WAWA, UCCJEA, NY State laws, etc...
They managed to use a false "indicated" ACS case against me, then conceal that false case from the court record for six years.
During that time my estranged husband managed to totally alienate my children from me.
The courts have repeatedly refused me ANY contact with my children. Once I found out about the false ACS case, I had it over turned and began a lawsuit against the city and ACS.
Yet to this day I can not get any access to my children. It's been eight excruciatingly painful years, since I've held or kissed my babies.
I've also done extensive research on the subject, and am in the process of writing a book on the types of personalities that alienate and the types of parents that get targeted. It’s gonna be sort of a memoir/self help book written with the intention to make people aware of how easy it is to alienate a child. It's equally as easy to alienate (brainwash) an adult.
Sadly many of the women's groups are claiming that parent alienation is junk science, hopefully with the research I've done that untruth will be blown out of the water.
There are many mothers that are alienated and know it is anything but junk science.
While it is true that revenge, spite, jealousy, and an inability to understand the child has separate needs cause parental alienation, these issues are only the tip of the iceberg.
The alienating parent often doesn't know what drives his or her destructive behavior. To the alienating parent, he or she is doing whatever is necessary to protect the child. However the parent fails to realize that his or her own feelings of loss and abandonment drive the desire to pull the child into the adult conflict. The result is a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship where the child is not only alienated from a loving parent, but is now responsible for meeting the alienating parent's long-standing and unhealthy emotional needs.
Parental alienation is real and affects countless parents, children and extended family members every year. Thank you Dr. Amy Baker and WPIX for shining a light on one of the darkest experiences in a parent and child's life.
Sincerely,
mike jeffries
Author, A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation.
http://www.afamilysheartbreak.com
Parental alienation is real; it is a serious problem; and the most unfortunate thing about it is that it is the child(ren) who suffer the most from this disease.
Parents who engage in parental alienation, knowingly or subconsciously, are guilty of using their child(ren) to "get even", "get back at", or "punish" their estranged or former spouses.
Sadly, most of the actions which can be taken "against" the offending parent are less than effective and ultimately put the child(ren) under additional stress further endagering their welfare.
Too often, the best thing that the aggrieved parent can do is avoid additional conflict, but also continue to make meaningful gestures of love and affection to the child(ren) by remembering holidays, and special occasions with appropriate gifts, cards and brief notes. With maturity, the child(ren) may grow to understand that they have always been loved by the aggrieved parent and seek to make amends with them.
Amy is an excellent spokesperson for this disease, and hopefully, in time, her efforts will lead to a better informed populace who will take note of this condition before the damage becomes too great and learn how important it is for family and friends to recognize and act accordingly when they see how damaging this behavior is to the child(ren).
this is a huge problem . it needs more media attention.
this is a huge problem . it needs more media attention.
I hope this show will air again.
Dr. Baker is a wonderful resource for those who are trying to help individuals who struggle with Parental Alienation Syndrome. Her book provides insight, practical advice and, most of all, realistic hope for those who have to decide how to handle this situation. She is able to clarify a phenomenon that is fraught with misunderstanding, misrepresentation, and confusion.
I have lived through this nightmare not once but twice at the hands of my ex husband and his wife and now my husbands ex wife and her husband. Sadly, I have found that no one does anything, Judges, Lawyers, School Psychologists, etc. Interfering in a parent and their children's relationship should be a crime, but how can we get someone to listen? My 11 year old step son is completely alienated from my husband and I and our entire family. I nearly lost my daughter to this as well. It's been 11 years that I have dealt with this and not one tangible thing has been done thus far.
I hope and pray that Dr. Baker is able to bring some much needed attention to this devastation, the more you talk, the more you find others who are experiencing the same as we are.
Your mother is abusive, harsh, bipolar, possessed, lazy, lies, steals, wants your Dad back,is a fake, mentally unstable, doesn't love you....on and on. These are the things my 4 children have been told. I have lost the oldest 3 to parental alienation. They want nothing to do with me and have on many occasions said they want me out of their life. I cared for and loved them with everything I had after their Dad left. When he remarried he told me that he wanted the kids to "have a different mother". The kids from the beginning had to call her "Mom" and all refer to me by my first name. I have twice been investigated by CPS (who concluded the kids were "parroting" what they were told). My ex- has tried to get me fired by falsely accusing me of trying to obtain his wife's medical records, they filed a false report to obtain a PPO which was dismissed. My children wouldn't dare report a positive experience with me. They have been encouraged (or not discouraged) to treat me with disdain, disrespect and contempt. The court system supports this behavior by not recognizing it. The offending parent does not have to pay an attorney to gain custody, simply get the children to hate the targeted parent and refuse to live with or visit them. My alienated children have all made false police reports against me. Then the court financially rewards them with child support. My children have suffered irrepairable damage because their father hated me far more than he was able to love his children. My 10yo son, the only one I still have contact with, recently told me "I wish I was dead. I don't want to choose and I am tired of all the pressure". My heart aches to protect,care for and see my children healed. They have also completely rejected my entire extended family as well. Grandparents and Aunts have not seen them in years.
Kudos and much appreciation to Amy Baker and Howard for bringing media attention to this topic!
Parental Alienation is real and anyone who chooses to dismiss it, ignore it, or deny its existence, step into the shoes of a target parent. Live our life for just one day and experience the daily heartache, grief, and anguish of watching your child be manipulated and turned against you...and then feel the anger and frustration at a legal system that can't stop it...or just chooses not to.
Therefore, early identification and intervention are keys to unlocking the door to offsetting the insidious and caustic programming that destroys our children. They are the true victims here.
That is why the work of Amy Baker is invaluable since she provides the practical tools and techniques to assist target parents offset the alienation while giving children the strategies to cope and think more critically.
In addition to the efforts of Amy Baker and others, target parents also need easier access to finding available resources within their own communities...support groups...and mental health and legal professionals knowledgeable in Parental Alienation and PAS.
Tiana May
Facilitator
Parental Alienation Support and Resource Group
Rochester, NY
I have lost my 16 year old son to parental alienation almost 2 years ago. It began when he was 6 years old and I was completely unaware that the manipulation was taking place. I live with this cross every single day of my life! He has rejected not only myself but my whole entire family! Needless to say we are all devasted by this. I cannot explain the emotional pain and trauma this has caused me, but through therapy I have learned to live with it and I have been able to move forward in my life. I do reach out to him only to be ridiculed, cursed at and told I am only the woman who gave birth to him. I tell him each and every time that I love him and when he is ready I will always be here for him!
All the professionals in my sons life recognized what was going on but none would step forward to help and stop this madness. Very frustrating to go through the court system and be told that it is hard to prove parental alienation. So much more needs to be done, so much awareness needs to unfold so no more children suffer this horrific situation! The only ones losing and suffering are our children!!! God Bless those in my position and the inncocent children!!!
Having been through 5 years of attorney and family court hell, all I can testify to is that children are turned into an item of personal property. Especially once the courts have figured out who will generate the most income for the 'professionals'and government, then that is what will be. No amount of money is going to stop this half trillion dollar industry from all the wealth it frees up.
Court orders are worthless, and there are ten million people who will literally tell you to keep fighting a losing battle. Sure, the legal system is not working, no fault divorce or separation does not work, and more importantly it has placed a price on all our children's heads. When did that happen !
The real problem for the future is the system has run out of males to suck in, now it will turn onto those that have money, the very females who voted this type of system in. This was never about the children it was always about money. We seem to live in a culture of alienation. So much suffering and enmity, all for a few judicial dollars.
Parental kidnap can be added to the list of severe forms of parental alienation. I was abducted at age two by my father and wasn't reunited with my mother until thirty years later.
For decades my father not only totally removed my mother from my life, but taught me that my mother was dangerous, demonic, abused drugs and alcohol, wanted nothing to do with me and finally, that she died.
When I did find my mother I discovered that she searched for me for seven years before giving up and attempting suicide. She succeeded only in damaging her brain, leaving her unable to continue the search for me.
Parental alienation can destroy, what should be, loving relationships between parent and child.
Thankfully Dr. Baker has dedicated her life to the research and fight against parental alienation.
Very important information. The sad thing is here in NY the family courts do not do anything to stop this behavior even after they acknowledge it. Without the support of the courts all the counseling in the world won't help if the alienation isn't stopped. It can and often is a generational behavior and until the alienators are sanctioned in some substantial way it doesn't end. We need to keep bring this issue to the forefront and address all the issues.
Thank you so much for getting Dr. Baker's expertise out to the public. The more people know and understand this horrible type of child abuse, the sooner we can save our kids. Next time you might mention also that Dr. Baker has a program to educate other professionals on how to stop this - including judges upon whom the responsibility ultimately rests.Once again, God bless you, Dr. Baker. You're helping to save my children's lives.
Howard,
I can’t thank you enough for inviting Dr. Amy Baker on your show. Her work is pivotal for parents and this has proven the result upon the children, is everlasting and emotionally damaging. This is a mourning process that never ends for not just parents but the children as well. It is very unnatural for a child who once had a loving relationship with both parents, to be forced to choose to love one and be angry and hate the other. This is not just a tit-for-tat spat between parents of divorce. It goes much deeper into a cycle of abuse that is learned behavior from past generations.
When I first met Dr. Baker, I had called her due to the fact that I too have been victim as well as my 4 children in an extreme case of alienation. I have joint custody and been denied access slowly over the years after the severe denigration against me. My children have been taught that humans are disposable. I am lucky enough that my youngest son has stayed strong and continued to not allow the anger to take hold and he has always spent time with me as all my children did from the beginning. He has been tormented not just by his dad for still being in my life but soon thereafter by the rest of his siblings. This has so far gone on for 8yrs. Recently, my older son (18) has moved in with me due to the fact that my ex threw him out of his home for talking to me and trying to mend our relationship. He has now been out casted by his father and sisters who refuse to talk with him at all. He has also had to deal with the guilt trips of his dad for being disloyal to him. Does that sound normal to you? The fact is that dad doesn’t have a babysitter for the younger siblings and can’t be the assisting parent to take the kids from point A to B. It is a typical Alienating factor to place guilt, and play the victim in need of help toward the children just to emotionally keep them and have control.
Through her guidance and education, I took it upon myself to learn as much as possible about this since the children are the true victims.
I now Moderate for the NJ Support Group for Parental Alienation in NJ and the tri-state area.
I have a Non-Profit Organization, which in now worldwide along with a weekly podcast radio show, for all targeted children, parents and extended families. I have presented in many places on the subject, including the Canadian Symposium last March. We have just recently started a new program of “Kids Helping Kids”, along with being involved in a research project with Dr. Douglas Darnall PhD, who is also an expert in the field.
I am also the NJ Representative for Lighting Candles Worldwide and Board of Director for Three sides To Every Story, another non-profit for Grandparents that have been denied access to see the children.
I am a Parenting Coach, and advocate that “Children need the love of both fit and loving parents” in order to lead a healthy life.
Too often I am receiving phone calls from children that are cutting themselves to stop the pain, have tried committing suicide in the past, suffering from depression, poor school grades and turning to alcohol and drugs.
In the same aspect, I am receiving devastating calls from parents looking for help, support and resources and are at wits end because they have not seen their children as court ordered.
It is unfortunate that there are so many families and children that are caught up in this sadistic epidemic that most Professionals refuse, pass you along, or try to help the children and families of Alienation since they do not specialize in this area, they can and have done more damage than good. The family court systems are not equipped to make correct and healthy decisions for these children because they are limited or blind to the fact that this is a true problem.
Is it healthy for a child to tell you to “Go slit your wrists and die, I don’t care if you breath anymore, I don’t need a Mommy/Daddy?”
Is it healthy for a child to state that “You hurt Daddy/Mommy because you took all the money and I hate you?”
Is it healthy for a child to say that “Mommy/Daddy says that we can’t see grandma and you anymore because you’re all evil since your rich?”
Is it healthy for a child to say “I don’t need you anymore, daddy will take care of us?”
This is a problem that needs more education for all levels of professionals. Starting in the schools with Dr. Amy Baker’s divorce program of “I Don’t Want To Choose” for middle school children. She is developing for Kindergarten and High school levels as well.
Educate the Forensic Specialists that have your children’s future in their hands to make the suggestions to the courts of “What is best for the children”.
Educate all Judges, Lawyers, GAL’s, Social Workers and don’t give as much power to the under educated Child Protective Services to take children away from a parent with unfounded accusations, or making life decisions that are actually exacerbating the Alienation of the child and parent relationship. This should only be allowed for Parental Alienation Experts to decide "for all court evaluations."
Education is the key, for children, parents, lay persons, and professionals. I intend to help and stay dedicated to Education on the subject of Alienation through our Foundation.
Thank you Dr. Baker! Thank You Howard! We need more open eyes to save the children from this emotional harm.
Katrina C. Daniels Lee
Founder/Exec Director
The Lee PAS Foundation 908-303-4817
www.theleepasfoundation.org
www.talkshoe.com Talk cast ID 26868
It wasn't until reading an article in our Canadian weekly news magazine, MacLeans, that I learned about Parental Alienation. That was a little over a year ago. That started a journey that helped me heal from the trauma that incapacitated me for 15 years. Now, my child has a child, and still she and I are as isolated from each other as if, as Amy says, she lives in Japan. My child won't even include her aunts and uncles or cousins in her life. It is heart breaking. What is even worse is that the same kind of situation, is very likely to happen to her in her own life. Unless somehow, she and I can heal the rift. I thank Dr. Richard Warshak and Dr. Baker for doing what they can to bring this forward into greater public awareness, and working on ways and means, first to prevent Parental Alienation from becoming entrenched, then later for helping parents and children to reconcile.
It wasn't until reading an article in our Canadian weekly news magazine, MacLeans, that I learned about Parental Alienation. That was a little over a year ago. That started a journey that helped me heal from the trauma that incapacitated me for 15 years. Now, my child has a child, and still she and I are as isolated from each other as if, as Amy says, she lives in Japan. My child won't even include her aunts and uncles or cousins in her life. It is heart breaking. What is even worse is that the same kind of situation, is very likely to happen to her in her own life. Unless somehow, she and I can heal the rift. I thank Dr. Richard Warshak and Dr. Baker for doing what they can to bring this forward into greater public awareness, and working on ways and means, first to prevent Parental Alienation from becoming entrenched, then later for helping parents and children to reconcile.
My life has been destroyed and everything that I hold dear has been stripped away from me. This is something that I would have never believed possible if I had not experienced it myself. I have 4 children that are being used as a weapon against me in a bitter divorce. This has become an all to common occurrence and most people don't even believe it exists, especially the family court system.
I went from a father who worked 2 jobs to provide for my family; a father who would take his family out on day trips all the time; a father who would watch movies in bed with all 4 kids, to a monster. They have been brainwashed into believing that I was going to kill them and their mother.
I was blind and didn't see this coming. All of my "loving" wife's actions make perfect sense now. Her lies and accusations seems silly and almost a common joke until she started having an affair; which I didn't find out about until after being thrown out of my home. I though that the kids would be smart enough to see the truth, but they were being controlled already and becoming more and more biased against me.
As time went on my relationship with my children kept getting worse and worse until I decided to get some family counseling. I could not believe the things that she was saying about me and the kids mirrored EVERYTHING she was saying. The therapist had no idea what was going on and I only wish that I knew about Amy Baker back then. I might have been able to save my children from being the ultimate victims of alienation.
I may never be able to rebuild my relationship with my 2 oldest kids since they are so brainwashed right now they even think that I have the same "mental problem" as serial killers have.
My two youngest ones are still torn between loving me and listening to Mommy. If they show that they still care about me they get in trouble with the 2 oldest boys and get another brainwashing session with mommy dearest. If they say that they hate me life is easier at home. What are they supposed to do?????
Parential Alienation has destroyed my relationship with my children and has destroyed all that marriage stands for. It has been 9 months since I have been in my house that I am still paying for and in that time things keep getting worse even with no communication with my 2 oldest boys. It's like my entire side of the family is out of their lives, even their grandparents. The lack of contact and communication only help strengthen the alienation.
I pray for an end to this alienation. I want my children back.
A word of advise: Choose your counselors carefully!!! Bad therapists do more harm then good and many have no clue what parental alienation is.
We need support and we need it now!
Very true about choosing the right therapist! A family therapist who is naive' to the mind-control which is Parental Alienation will wind up AGREEING with the child who says over and over...."I dont' WANT to live with Mommy, I can't STAND her, I HATE her!" or "I don't want to see Daddy, he's a horrible man, he's gonna hurt me, and he hurt Mommy!" when this parent did nothing different than common everyday parenting. The child seems SO convincing, that most therapists simply believe what the child tells them.
The vast majority of desperate parents who are confused about this new hatred make appointments with whatever family therapist has an opening. They choose from their insurance directory. 99% of those therapist have no experience and almost no awareness (certainly no training) that Parental Alienation is MIND CONTROL (brainwashing).
I sat in one therapist's office with the Alienating Parent on the other side of the room, his fiance' (the new "Mommy"), AND my only child sandwiched in-between them on a sofa, "New Mommy's" arm around my child. Clearly an effort to show I was "alone" on the other side of the room. Three Against One. They were a "Family" and I was , well, just a single mother - alone.
I wound up defending myself against numerous (highly exaggerated) descriptions of "mental child abuse" against my child! And the therapist clearly was upset with ME every time I tried to defend myself!
This therapist could not see through the "power" and "control" dynamic that was going on in the room. She was clearly siding with the "Family" believing everything they said.
There are so few educated therapists out there. There is no training in PA or PAS required to earn their degree.
I hope that the future will change this. I hope Dr. Amy Baker's efforts will cause a change in the profession. I hope MORE family therapists receive education in Parental Alienation and learn how to recognize the symptoms so more children and more families can be saved.
I look forward to the airing of this show on WPIX.
Thanks you Howard for airing a show on this topic, Parental Alientation.
I don't care what ANYBODY says - this is TRUE, this is REAL. Children are not born knowing how to hate. They are TAUGHT how to hate. In the very same way children are taught (by ignorant parents) to HATE a certain race, or hate homosexuals, or hate a different class. The Alienating Parent slowly, over time, teaches his/her children how to hate their other parent.
This is a much more widespread problme than people know.
Hundreds, thousands, of people suffer with the loss of children who once loved them. And nobody wants to talk about it, the media is uninterested, nobody seems to CARE!!!!
Thank you Howard, for agreeing to have Dr. Amy Baker on your news show.
This is a very sad issue and yes, it is indeed happening to divorced parents each and every day.
For me, it started after the divorce when it was my turn to see my two children. The kids, then 8 and 10, became more beligerant toward me. They'd say things like "We don't have to go with you, and you can't make us. You're bad. We'll tell the judge and he'll lock you up." They would hit me and spit at me. They never acted like this before. Then I was told they had a "new" daddy, a Doctor, who was a "good daddy".
Fast forward: The ex took me to court 22 times, mostly for petty things, but in NJ it's easy if you're a female with a female judge, and you insist the judge talk to your kids. Also helps if you get a female psychologist who is well known as a hired gun to "document" the children's "fear" of their father. Oh, yeah, I stillhad to pay a very high child support amount, and then I had to pay for two very expensive colleges (the ex paid zero) and all the while my children did not speak to me. No cards, no notes, no phone calls (except when they demanded money be sent for tuition). They both graduated and the ex sent one ticket on the day before the event, so the court could see she was cooperative. Both children refuse to speak to me to this day. My daughter even wrote to the judge, saying she prefered not to have a relationship with me. My son refused a certified, return receipt requested letter I sent him. I know I was a good father and I know my ex wife was instrumental in the destruction of the father/child relationship. It is a real issue. It happened to me. Thank you for bringing this issue to the forefront.
Thank you to WPIX and Help me Howard for shining a light on this issue.
Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D.
www.amyjlbaker.com
My children are now in their early 20's. For years I couldn't understand why they talked to me with so much disdain. It wasn't until a couple of years ago, when I read the book "Divorce Casualties" that I finally saw what had happened. But because it is so bizarre it took me awhile to "get it." Since then it has been a torture trying to cope with the loss of my most precious children.
My ex began a very sneaky, underhanded manner to brainwash my children into believing that I was abusing them. They have been taught to disrespect me in a most profound way. Currently, I have no contact with my oldest son and sporadic contact with my other three children.
My ex pays their cell phone bill and when he sees my number on the bill they have to answer to him.
Can you imagine? Still able to control them at these ages? The alienation is so powerful and so complete it really is difficult to understand.
Thanks again for bringing this subject to light. Hopefully, this will change so that other families do not have to endure this.
Howard, WPIX and Dr. Amy Baker
Thank you Howard and WPIX foryour coverage on this important topic that affects to many fathers,mothers,children, grandparents, aunts uncles.
Due to Parental alienation to many families are fractured due to the efforts of one parent to balme another and destroy relationships.
Your coverage of this is one important step and your effort is appreciated in helping to educate people of this. In doing this this may help people undertand and help prevent this from occuring, and help families that are affected.
Also hopefuly it will help therapist,judges, lawyers and other professionals learn more of this and do their parting preventing and allow healing to occur.
Thank you Dr Amy Baker for your efforts and research (talks, conferences, education books for chiildren and more) with your efforts and others we can help prevent and help people that are suffering form this. It is happen to to many people and innocent children that are caught in the cross fire and being used as pawns in divorce.
For more inforamtion on Parental alienation go to:
www.amyjlbaker.com
www.parental-alienation-awareness.com.
Local support group in Massachusetts and interent support group go to:http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ParentsAgainstParentalAlienation
Sincerely
Want to be a Dad
I have unconditional love for my 3 childlren and nothing will change that.
I love you all and will for ever.
Want to be a dad
Thank you for bringing attention to this horrific form of abuse that is destoying the lives of many children, their parents and extended family and friends. This has happened to
my two sons who were late teens and my self when my ex began his campaign to destroy our family.
After a 28 year marriage something 'snapped' and my husband lost touch with reality. He secretly planned a divorce for a year aliening and minipulating the emotions of our sons throughout. Hatred, secretcy,
deception, parinoia, and minipulation took over his heart and mind.
There were no ethical or maoral lines that he would not cross to
lash out against any one in his way. Most of all he has had no regard for the wellbeing of our sons.
Despite my many ongoing attempts and pleas to work together for their benefit he refuses any form of communication. He blocks all my attempts
to reach out and help my sons with life skills, education or training, support and contact of any kind.
They are both severely damaged by the emotional torture he has subjected them to. They have turned away from all contact and are emotionally,
socially and educationally crippled by the afffects of his behaviors. The grief we feel is all incomposing.
PAS is a serious problem. I have been dealing with it for the past 5 years. Unfournetly CPS doesn't recogmize this as child abuse. I wish tere was a way that the systen can be change. This is a form of mental abuse.I wish that the news media can do more stories on PAS
PAS is a serious problem. I have been dealing with it for the past 5 years. Unfournetly CPS doesn't recogmize this as child abuse. I wish tere was a way that the systen can be change. This is a form of mental abuse.I wish that the news media can do more stories on PAS
PAS is a serious problem. I have been dealing with it for the past 5 years. Unfournetly CPS doesn't recogmize this as child abuse. I wish tere was a way that the systen can be change. This is a form of mental abuse.I wish that the news media can do more stories on PAS
Thank you for airing this show and having Dr Amy Baker speak on Parental Alienation. After my ex husband and I split up we shared the our sons, but very slowly the alienation began. They didnt want to come with me anymore, and for me the courts were actually trying to help me but my ex and his girlfriend at the time moved from NJ to Idaho and then that was the end of communication with my sons. Between my ex taking them out of school so I couldnt get their report cards and information, changing phone numbers and moving around the state of Idaho they were lost to the lies. My ex even told me that he knew this would put my name in the obituary colume and he couldnt wait to see it there. He said I got the kids not you! And my exs girl friend after leaving him came back to NJ to find me and confirming every thing that I already knew. Its to late for me but maybe this will help other parents who are still in the early stages of this child abuse. Dr Amy also has a wonderful book out called Adult Children of Parental Alienation which has been a great help to me. To just think of the affect that this has on our children is heartbreaking. Imagine Mothers day or Fathers day and our Children thinking that their Mom or Dad dont love them! This affects the children more than anyone. Ive learned so much from Dr Amy and other Drs who teach about PA. Thank you for taking the time to air your show about PA Howard.
Blessings Patty Larsen
Ok we ALL agree there's a problem in the modern divorce industry the fuels acrimony and excessive litigation (for profit mind you) .. and destroys families.
How many of you have seen Angelo Lobo's film [ Support System... Down ]??? It fairly spells it out.
How many of you are active in some regard FRA, FCRA, NPRA, F4J, F4E, etc???
How many of you active on the intert facilitating fax/email campaigns to influence and support court(s) cases and legislation/legislative efforts?
How many of you donate time, resources and effort to these endeavors to effect change in our culture?
It's all well and good to read these blogs, news articles, etc and comment "yea verily thine speketh truly"...
Now get out there and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!
Gunner Retired
Falsely Accused Father & Disencfranchised Parent
Georgia Fathers 4 Justice State Coordinator
National Parents Rights Association Research Consultant
Family Court Reform Alliance Archivist & 'Armorer'
http://www.usfcralliance.org/forums/f269/ >
AFRA/BHS 'Armorer'
and KITTENS DADDY!!!
Yes to the original question, in a sneaky kind of way.
This issue is stunning. It seems obvious, but I am constantly shocked at the lengths to which my ex-wife will go to bad-mouth me. All fabricated.
She told them that my kids I suffered from mental illness. She told them I smoked cigarettes after I explained how smoking was bad. She told them I was going to jail -- my kids pleaded with me not to go to jail. She told them to lie to me -- she told them she would take them to a movie if they told me they were sick and couldn't come to my house.
She told my 5 year old daughter on the morning of her 5th birthday that "daddy was very mean to mommy and that is why we got divorced". This was an attempt to drive a wedge between me and my daughter when I picked her up to celebrate her birthday later that day.
My ex would buy gifts for the kids and bring them to my apt on my parenting days so the kids would be pre-occupied with the gifts versus be in the moment with me. She gave my 6-year old son a cell phone and would call him several times a day on it during my parenting time to talk about presents she was going to buy him. It is shocking and the list goes on and on and on.
I've done some research and the facts are disturbing. 90% of the time, the parent who is trying to alienate is the parent that has more time with the children. This usually is the mother because state courts are pre-disposed to award"residential custody" to the mother.
In addition, State laws provide an incentive for a parent to seek residential custody -- whoever has residential custody collects money from the other spouse for "child support" regardless of how time is split. E.g., if a parent has one minute more time with a child, then they receive money (according to a set percentage such as 15% for one child and 25% for two children) of the other parent's gross income (regardless of taxes). This creates a huge windfall to the parent with "residential custody".
They say money is the root of evil -- well, the system is enticing parents to smear other parents to get that award of "residential custody". Another fact, woman are twice as likely to suffer from a border-line or bipolar personality disorder than are men. Bottom line: fathers are the 2nd biggest loser in this scenario. The 1st biggest losers are the kids. The lessons they are learning from mothers is that it is ok to abuse people who they once loved. Society is going to have a huge backlash as these kids grow up.
Divorce is like cancer, nobody thinks it will happen to them. So, the pleas of fathers go ignored by men and women alike. Men keep getting trampled on and this broken system perpetuates itself.
I have invested over 11 years of my life to remain involved in my (4) children's lives.
I believe that fathers are important and necessary in a child's development. It's not just about my rights...its about the kids right to have me in their life. I have lived by this ideal while trying everything to remain intact. My efforts have been exhausting in every way and extremely expensive. I have used everything the courts have to offer and it appears there is nothing more I can do.
The courts in Frederick Maryland have not been favorable to me. Judge Solt has allowed my ex-wife (who married her divorce lawyer who works in the same county bar) to always prevail as custodian. My children have turned to alcohol abuse, drugs use, running away from home, mental hospitals, failing grades, ect...
I took action to seeks the courts help regarding the dangerous activities my children were involved in. I then was hit with false abuse accusations (Lies which which have never amounted to anything) This Judge then ordered me away from my kids (14 months of isolation and further litigation) Eventually this baseless accusation was tossed...but it hurt me and my kids. Its sick that it was ever tolerated and allowed to occur in the fist place.
The mother continually suggested to my kids that I was a threat, abusive, selfish, untrustworthy, a menace, and unworthy father...How do you fight this? How do you present such a case when the children testify that they fear you? The courts in Frederick Maryland at least are not willing to embrace parental alienation as a serious problem. What the court system has done is provide a very easy way for alienating parents to ensure custody by rewarding such behavior. For those parents who are evil enough and willing to damage their children over securing custodianship....this is a gift!
I have spent well over $150K on this case and it has got me very little in return. I am soured and have no hope in this system. I once believed that justice would win eventually...but not now. The legal system is a business..and justice is a fairytale. I hope for reform. Perhaps stories like mine will help change new emerging judges.
I am thankful that I have a strong relationship with my youngest son (12). He is wounded, but not persuaded. Thank God he has remained intact.
The other kids want nothing to do with me now. This has been a tragedy. I am a good dad that only wants to be involved with my kids. If you could only see pictures from the past...what a different world. But...the mother hates me. Since she left the marriage, she has lied to my children for years about me and now those lies have permanently influenced them...which has isolated them away from me.
I can only hope someday there will be an awakening. My heart is crushed. Good luck to all who are in the same boat.
I have invested over 11 years of my life to remain involved in my (4) children's lives.
I believe that fathers are important and necessary in a child's development. It's not just about my rights...its about the kids right to have me in their life. I have lived by this ideal while trying everything to remain intact. My efforts have been exhausting in every way and extremely expensive. I have used everything the courts have to offer and it appears there is nothing more I can do.
The courts in Frederick Maryland have not been favorable to me. Judge Solt has allowed my ex-wife (who married her divorce lawyer who works in the same county bar) to always prevail as custodian. My children have turned to alcohol abuse, drugs use, running away from home, mental hospitals, failing grades, ect...
I took action to seeks the courts help regarding the dangerous activities my children were involved in. I then was hit with false abuse accusations (Lies which which have never amounted to anything) This Judge then ordered me away from my kids (14 months of isolation and further litigation) Eventually this baseless accusation was tossed...but it hurt me and my kids. Its sick that it was ever tolerated and allowed to occur in the fist place.
The mother continually suggested to my kids that I was a threat, abusive, selfish, untrustworthy, a menace, and unworthy father...How do you fight this? How do you present such a case when the children testify that they fear you? The courts in Frederick Maryland at least are not willing to embrace parental alienation as a serious problem. What the court system has done is provide a very easy way for alienating parents to ensure custody by rewarding such behavior. For those parents who are evil enough and willing to damage their children over securing custodianship....this is a gift!
I have spent well over $150K on this case and it has got me very little in return. I am soured and have no hope in this system. I once believed that justice would win eventually...but not now. The legal system is a business..and justice is a fairytale. I hope for reform. Perhaps stories like mine will help change new emerging judges.
I am thankful that I have a strong relationship with my youngest son (12). He is wounded, but not persuaded. Thank God he has remained intact.
The other kids want nothing to do with me now. This has been a tragedy. I am a good dad that only wants to be involved with my kids. If you could only see pictures from the past...what a different world. But...the mother hates me. Since she left the marriage, she has lied to my children for years about me and now those lies have permanently influenced them...which has isolated them away from me.
I can only hope someday there will be an awakening. My heart is crushed. Good luck to all who are in the same boat.
This subject has directly affected me and my now adult children. My ex of 10 years continues to encourage alienation which has had disastrous effects on my children. To watch from afar and be unable to stop it is frustrating and hurtful. I love my kids and can only hope someday they will read this book or see this show and realize what has happened to them.
How could she of lost her children??? She must have done something horrible to have lost them.
I heard that she left her husband. I heard that he was very possessive and controlling.
I heard that he took the children during the divorce and hid with them.
Well, that simply does not just happen... I heard that CPS was involved...
She seemed like such a good Mother to me... they always seemed so happy... She was a single Mother, but they were happy...
He remarried and the children want nothing to do with her. They tell her that they have a new Mom now. She told me that her children are told to call her Karen, that is when he allows them to talk to her...
Well, you see... it has happened to me. The last time that I have seen my 3 boys was in the courtroom... February of 1997. My boys had left for their summer visitation with their father May 30 of 1996.
The last conversation with my oldest at the age of 7 was, "Karen your not my Mother anymore and I HATE you..."
I can vouch that the pain never ceases, that it can bring the sanest of the sane to their knees... PAS is VERY real and happens daily. It is one of the worst forms of abuse that must be addressed. Bruises will eventually heal but a shattered heart and soul... Well, I will leave it a that...
Thank you for bringing light to our plight.
For all of those affected by PAS, your not alone... together we can be strong and together we can help eachother heal...
Sincerely,
Karen
Does it never end? How many times does the same story have to be told for someone to say, "Hey, what is going on here? Maybe we are missing something!" It is just uncanny how these alienating parents can continue to get away with the things that they do. And to morally corrupt their own children to abet them in the process is unconscionable! Wake up judges! Yes, it is a different problem from the ones that you deal with in your Family Courts on an every day basis, but it is just as real and just as destructive! When are you going to start protecting our children from their abusive parent,the disturbed one that flies right under the radar!! Wake up, America. Thanks so much to Amy and Howard for their efforts!
Here is a link to our blogs...
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendId=405793434
Best Wishes Kathleen, Annabelle, Sam, Kathy…
Hang in there Randi, Julie, Allison, Louise, Colleen, Karen, “Sad”, steve, Blaise, “Me”, Kathi, “Want”, David, Patty, Scott, Bob, Karen…
Bill, perhaps a spouse could act out against their partner because of the way the spouses parents acted out against each other (thus repeating what was learned in childhood)
Right on! Mike, Vern, Katrina…
Bryan, I’m so sorry.
As a (grown) child of parents who are still together (almost 60 years) but couldn’t accept their differences or resolve conflicts, home life was chaotic. Some of my siblings sided with our alienating parent, others did not. My parents unresolved personal and marital issues has caused dysfunction, discord, division and heartache in the family.
Parents don’t teach your children to alienate or be a doormat. If one or both of you cannot understand what it is that your child needs get help from objective resources, get educated, have self-respect, stand up for your rights, take the “high road”…
Whether you and your spouse stay together or not, your child has a right to have the love and support of both parents and to have a peaceful, safe home life.
To Amy and all who work so hard to respectfully support all family members, to educate, council, enforce healthy laws, encourage healthy relationships… bring light to this subject.
THANK YOU.
Parental Alienation is not a term that affected parents attach themselves to, in order to justify their estranged relationship with their children. It is cult-like behavior from psychopathic narcissistic adults induced into children’s minds which deserves more than a minute of media coverage!
It’s been 11 years. Over that decade, I stood in front of 4 different judges who assigned 3 separate mediators, named 2 parent coordinators (with binding ruling rights) to my case, and read the conclusive report of the custody evaluation describing my daughter as showing signs of Parental Alienation and described her stepmother’s actions as ‘some of the best examples of a parent’s worst behavior this examiner (forensic psychologist) has ever seen’. The expert continued to describe my ex-husband and his wife as ‘having no compunction and/or have no reservation in fostering an all-out effort to damage the relationship between {my daughter} and I’; yet no judge has ever produced a court order with consequences severe enough to reverse or stop the damage. In addition, they failed to include a process to follow up (implement and monitor) the decisions they ordered. Alienators don’t follow rules. They are not afraid of the courts and they know there are no consequences for misbehavior. In their demented minds they believe rejecting the other parent is in the child’s best interest.
The outcome: I have not talked to my daughter in 1½ years.
The documents I produced for the custody evaluation captured 2 ½ years of instant messaging exchanges and emails between my daughter and (mostly) her stepmother which evidenced the tactics used to brainwash her and destroy the loving relationship we once had. This was not a ‘gut feeling’ of what was being said, it was documented emotional abuse and the manipulation children like her are subject to. Alienators will not only verbally denigrate the other parent and destroy the previously loving affections, but they will make the kids feel guilty, force them to choose sides, disconnect phones, block cell numbers, monitor emails and tell anybody (including schools & coaches) who has contact with the targeted parent to not speak with them! They will falsely accuse targeted parents of physical and/or sexual abuse and seek Orders of Protection purely to keep the targeted parent away. The bad mouthing about the other parent is relentless and persistent; ultimately causing the alienated child to adopt the twisted lies /views and align themselves to the alienating parent as it is the only way to gain their acceptance and hold on to their conditional love. The children will reject their once loved Mom or Dad and anyone in that parent’s circle.
Parental Alienation is not a gender biased phenomenon. It happens to Moms and Dads world wide. It happens too much and to too many. I have found that many experts ‘get it’ but they have no clue what to do about it. This needs to change.
The answer cannot and should not be “A judge cannot force an individual to be a ‘good parent’ and the courts cannot reverse the lousy decision you made of having married a jerk”
I have been going through PARENTAL ALIENATION for 10 years now. My kids are 18 & 14. Since my separation in 1999, my ex-wife has been talking negatively to our children about me.
The main cause is that she has LOW SELF CONFIDENCE & LOW SELF-ESTEEM. She believed that our children loved me more then they did her, of which they loved us equally.
Many times when our children were younger, court psychologists told me to record conversations where my ex-wife told the kids to "tell your father you hate him" or "your father is an
A-Hole!" and many negative comments similiar.
When my children are with me, we have great times until their mother calls them all day & night trying to ruin their time with me.
This has been going on for years. Unfortunately, the courts, judges, lawyers DO NOT CARE. It's very sad that Parental Alienation exists and there is nothing non-residential parents can do about it.
I just have to wait until they are emancipated & do not live with their mother...
Divorce is worse than death, because you are still alive to feel the pain. At least my children were adults when I divorced their father, but we still had problems adjusting. Looking back, I know I did the right thing. Nobody is perfect, however, you should not demean yourself by staying in a relationship that is not working.
I have been reading a great deal about this issue recently. It must be a horrible circumstance to be living through. There needs to be some more attention to what children suffer during their parents breakup. After all it isn't their fault things aren't working out for their moms and dads, why do the kids become victims?
When I married for the first time I was young. I didn't know much about life, or much about anything. My parents kind of pushed me into it although, my mother warned me, and I should have known better. I stayed in a marriage for a very long time. I think I planned to get out of it at least 10 years, before things got really bad in the relationship. The trials and tribulations were never great anyway, and it had it's peaks and valleys, as any marriage would.
I have to admit that I became attracted to someone else, but this didn't go anywhere. The fighting and ridiculous things that were expected of me in the marriage, became, such an issue, that I couldn't stand it anymore. I filed for divorce, to the dismay of my siblings. I didn't do any of this until my parents had passed away.
The in-laws had been deceased too. If they had lived longer, I think I would have stayed in a marriage of no worth. Yes, the children suffered, but I suffered the most. They always knew that they were loved, but it was a crazy time. I remember it being a bizarre time. I had to call the police and that was something that he couldn't forgive. Not that I wanted him to forgive me. I had enough of the nonsense. Oh well.....my life went on to find a better person, who puts ME first. Life goes on after divorce, even if it seems like a never ending black hole. If you have single friends and divorced friends, it does dull the pain. You might make some mistakes along the divorce path, but its nothing that can't be fixed. As long as you are breathing and keep trying, things will get better. I always say when one door closes, another opens, and another great big door opened for me.
My kids are ok now. That is a good thing. I just sometimes feel regret that my life took such a path, at such a young age. I married a second choice. The first choice was put to pasture by my father. We are friends now, not the 2nd ex, but the 1st ex.
I know this sounds confusing, but, between crushes, marriages, and the like, I have managed to finally find some peace in my life.
Just remember, that you are never alone. So many people suffer thru this. As I said before, divorce is death. If you can be revived, then you live again.
One of my marriages was annulled - anyone reading the above could get confused, because, I really didn't explain this from the very early beginning. An annulled marriage is null and void.
My nightmare concerning Parental Alienation started after a bitter divorce 10 years ago. Our material possessions were easily divided (such as the home, which he did get because I didn't want it), but little did I know that my daughter would be part of the "settlement." I always wonder how I could be so naive to not know what was happening before my very eyes with my once loving and compassionate child, but now understand that it does happen with such a deceptive secrecy. I was given custody until age 18, but after her visits with her father and her paternal grandmother (who was even more horrid than he in the alienation tactics) my beautiful daughter would come into our home and use language and behavior with me that left me in shock!! I even now understand that he selfishly used the home that she grew up in to help lure her away in his bitter tactics to "get back" at me for the divorce-and the huge injustice of all is that our child is the greatest victim of the whole process.
My daughter has not been to "our home" in the past 5 years but on a very few occasions, not having spent the night since 2005. It is true devastation to walk into her once lively bedroom where most of her possessions still have their place. It took me a very long time to even look into her drawers and closets to take out the clothes that were far to small for her since of course she has far outgrown any of them; someone should be able to use them I finally concluded with many tears. So many moments are passing by that since birth I had so looked forward to ... perhaps we will never be able to share them together as mother and daughter.
I will forever let my daughter know that I love and cherish her and want her in my life; and have to believe and have faith that she will want her mother back in her life. I do feel so much dispair for my girl for although I know I am doing everything in my power to show her my love and concern, she acts as though she wants nothing to do with her mom who gave her life and such a loving and nurturing upbringing. I pray nothing happens before she and her alienators "get it" - I don't want her to have to carry that burden of regret ... my greatest fear. I will forever be an advocate for parental alienation for I know it exists - my daughter and I are living it.
Oh My Goodness....I can't believe what I've been reading. I THOUGHT I WAS ABSOLUTELY ALONE IN ALL THIS. I have two children ages 15 and 13 by the worlds worst deadbeat ( I'M NOT KIDDING) sperm donor. For the past "11yrs" this sperm donor and his mother (yes his mother) have been taking me to court for everything humanly possible. First, when child support caught up with him he says -I'm not the father, then modification of child support,then visitation, then custody, then get this, SHE, who claims she supported her own adult son after I left him sued me in SUPREME court for over $50,000 "mind you we were NEVER married". They followed me, stalked me, videotaped me,contacted children services with accusations of abuse numerous times, I moved 4 times in 5yrs.Through it all, blood, sweat and tears he still saw my boys for visitation. During the month of August (every August) he had them for the summer, they would come home two/three days b4 school begins with NOTHING, not a pencil,book,socks NOTHING. But all along harassing me, WHY, Jealousy,envy, wickedness, you name. Through all the heartache I never allowed the kids to endure the hurt by bashing this idiot verbally, I always lived by they would see the real him as they grow older. The icing on the cake, almost a year ago my oldest "decides to leave home suspiciously", but now I know he was severely manipulated upon, like a vulture in the night. Academically he was an excellent "A" student in school, we had "a great" relationship as mother and son, it literally tore me apart. I sunk into a severe depression, I laid on my couch for three weeks, I lost 25lbs, and yes I was pregnant. My children are my life and they know that, so why not hit me where it hurts. I'm basically left with one arm, I speak to him "maybe once a month" in the beginning he used to call once a week, but thereafter excuses of " something is wrong with my phone" I saw him twice. So to say I'm a picture of parental alienation. I THINK SO !!! Why drive a wedge between my children and I, at the age he is he speaks and lives his life through his "mommy" so what makes them think my son doesn't need me. Children are/should be raised by their mother and yes the fathers should play a significant role in their lives. Don't use them as a pawn, she doesn't want me, she's gone on with her life in a far more productive lifestlye than I and my children are being cared for better than I can care for myself. That should be the deameanor. I'm hurt, tremendously hurt, I can't seem to heal this hurt. I don't know if and how long this will take but through it all I love my son. I guarantee my son that in a few years from now he will realize his mistake, he allowed his father to intervene in his relationship growing up with his mother and brother. A mother (a good mother) is a once in a lifetime opportunity, it's a blessing, embrace that and cherish it. He's young, he doesn't fully comprehend. What he's learning from his father will be the father he grows to become. I do speak positive to him through a facade because I still can't seem to swallow this all. I let him know I wish the best for him, continue on the career goals, maintain your respect and responsibility and grow to become a productive young man. And by all means finish school, and perhaps one day we can sit down as mother and son and rekindle all that has been so spitefully taken away. I actually wish that I could possibly get some help regarding this issue, someone that would shed some light,allow me understand how people can be so hateful, so vindictive. I'm hurting.
I was not aware of this until 2 years ago when my psycho ex won custody of my 6 year old daughter. This man was abusive to me and my sons to the point of us leaving. My daughter was a baby at the time. I would go into our community and people discussed how I had to be careful he was talking about having me killed. He had connections with the courts and police departement that helped him gain custody. Since then he refuses to let me see her. Our telephone conversations are rare and taped. He has told her so many lies that she is like a stranger. A child psychologist told me that she will end up killing herself or scared for life. It is the worse feeling for one to lose a child. Knowing the legal system in the community helped him and I have no help. I have seen her for a few hours since mothers day. This really hurts the children and parents. We really need to stop this from happening to defenseless children.